The pursuit of health and happiness isn't for everyone. So just to be fair, here's a quick guide for the rest who want a shortcut to an early grave, or at least a life of pain and suffering.

1. EAT FAST AND EAT FAST FOOD. You won't absorb nutrients well if you gobble your food when you're rushed or stressed. But wait, who cares? There aren't many nutrients in fast food anyway.

2. DRINK DIET SODA AND EAT PACKAGED, PROCESSED FOOD. The chemicals added to "low fat" or "low calorie" foods to make them tasty will stimulate your appetite to eat more, increase inflammation in your body and help you store more fat.

3. SIT IN A CHAIR ALL DAY or OVERTRAIN. You choose. Both are stressful to your body in opposite ways. In any case, you will soon enjoy joint and back pain and discover the wonders of prescription medication and countless trips to the doctor to find relief.

4. SLEEP WITH YOUR PHONE OR WITH THE TV ON. Either way, your nervous system will stay stimulated all night by noise and EMF pollution when all it really wants to do is rest and repair.

5. COMPLAIN. ABOUT EVERYTHING. That way you can avoid those pesky feelings of happiness and contentment and stay miserable enough to keep your tumors growing.

LIFE. GET IT OVER WITH.

P.S. I don't mean a word of any of it.